


i'm still in love with who i wish you were

by comeherebooch



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, Post-Episode: s07e22 Requiem (X-Files), episode: requiem, i'm not good at writing m/s please be gentle, my angst...fest, pls take a ride on my pain train, s07ep22
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-05-18 09:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14850150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comeherebooch/pseuds/comeherebooch
Summary: “You were abducted, Scully,” Mulder said, sensing her confusion, “do you remember anything?” Post Requiem.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I told myself I wouldn't write any more x-files things yet here I am...with a dumb idea that came about in a text message. This is for you, grandma (Kelsey).
> 
> I had no one look over this for spelling or grammar mistakes, so I apologize if they're there. I also apologize in advance because it's my first time writing Mulder & Scully and I find it real tough to get inside their heads, much less write words that come out of their mouths, but I tried. I am reluctant to post this but I spent quite some time on the idea so...I hope you read and mildly enjoy it? It will most likely be up to 5 parts.

**I’m still in love with who i wish you were (part 1/?)** **  
** **Fandom: The X-Files** **  
** **Pairing: Mulder/Scully  
** **Season: post season 7  
** **Title: Wish You Were by Kate Voegele**

 

_“Scully, you have to understand that they’re taking abductees. You’re an abductee. I’m not going to risk...losing you.”_

 

 _“I won’t let you go alone.”_ Her body was light against him, her hands curling around his neck. “I want to go with you.”

 

“Scully, no,” he pulled away.

 

“You can’t tell me I can’t go,” she argued, crossing her arms. “We’ll be careful, we’ll - we’ll do what we have to do and get the hell out of there.”

 

Mulder kept shaking his head. “I can’t ask you to do that.”

 

“You don’t have to ask me,” Scully said stubbornly, “it’s _my_ decision and I’m _going_.”

 

Mulder grit his teeth. He knew she wouldn’t listen to him. He knew she was afraid for him. And they knew that was the cost of their partnership _and_ relationship. Always worrying about the other. Scully watched him struggle with how to convince her to stay and she softened, reaching up to grasp his chin to have him look at her.

 

“Hey,” she said and smiled slightly, trying to quell his fears even a little bit, “I’ll rescue you if you promise to rescue me.”

 

The corner of his mouth lifted and she let go of him, risking another hug. This time, she squeezed her small arms around him, her mouth pressed against his neck. “It’ll be alright,” she promised.

 

 

* * *

 

The white light was blinding. It called to her and she stepped toward it, her eyes gazing straight ahead in the woods toward the large group of abductees standing, waiting for her. She did not hear any noises, any voices. She couldn’t even hear her own breathing. She couldn’t hear the two men screaming her name behind her in the forest, searching for her. She stepped into the light, being welcomed into the group. She looked up. She smiled.

 

She was gone.

 

* * *

 

Mulder rubbed at his eyes, feeling extremely fatigued. He hadn’t slept in days, save for a few naps here and there in which he just fell over in exhaustion. Scully had been missing for almost three weeks now. Skinner wanted to end the manhunt but he refused to give up. He could no longer use other agents in his quest to find her. He would’ve appreciated a little more sympathy and understanding but after a brief yelling match with his boss, he begrudgingly understood that agents had other jobs to do and could not neglect them any longer. But Mulder was focused on one thing and one thing only and that was Scully’s abduction. He had not been witness to it but he knew that’s what happened and he believed Skinner knew it too even if he would not admit it. He was used to that sort of reaction to the unexplainable. At first it had gotten on his nerves that Skinner would not use the word _abduction_ and they had gotten into it more than once on the subject but Skinner had just waved him off, stating she was clearly taken by something, he just didn’t know what. Or who. He wasn’t wrong in that sense. Scully _had_ been taken, they knew. She hadn’t just run away or disappeared.

 

They had tried speaking with family members of others they had known to be taken, too. They had tried searching the woods in Oregon again. They had tried looking into previous X Files and had no leads. Eventually Mulder had decided that there was no way to get her back but to hope and wait for her return. She was returned once, as had many abductees.

 

It was the waiting and the performing mundane tasks that were difficult for Mulder. Being without Scully felt like he was missing a limb, his heart empty. He had never realized that for a long time she was the reason for it’s beating, his reason he was still continuing to do his work not only because her words and scientific facts and rationalizations but because she was as passionate about the work as he was now, as in it as he was. And she certainly had her reasons to be.

 

Mulder walked out of his bathroom and into his kitchen. He had no food, just a bottle of ketchup and stale crackers. He really needed to stop and make time to go grocery shopping. By the time he made it home from work, he poured over even more files at home, desperate for a missing word or phrase that could lead him to finding her. He would fall asleep before he could force himself to eat. He had been eating out mostly but always ended up throwing it out. He knew Scully would be pissed at him for acting this way and would want him to take care of himself and he _knew_ feeling tired all of the time would not help his search or his work.

Skinner had made him stay home today and Mulder moped about in his apartment, refusing to catch up on sleep or go out and fill up on groceries and other needed household materials. He paced around his small space, growing more irritated with every step.

 

How could he have been so reckless, so careless with Scully’s life? She -and himself- were constantly in dangerous situations. He knew there were risks when taking the job and Scully was aware of it too and still stuck by him. He knew he didn’t deserve her and he wished he had never let her take things further between them.

 

Mulder closed his eyes and could see her face that night he got back from England. He was lounging on his bed, reading a book on crop circles and scoffing quietly at the text and how like Scully it sounded. There was an abrupt knock at his door, Scully suddenly appearing in his doorway. Her face looked tired, but serious. He wondered if something was wrong.

 

“Hey,” he whispered and wasn’t sure why, “you fell asleep on me and I didn’t have the heart to wake you, so -”

 

Scully walked further into his room, her expression strange. Was she upset he had just left her there on the couch? He should’ve offered his bed, even though it wasn’t much more comfortable. She had fallen asleep at his place before, even in his bed before as they had gone over a case together and he left her to sleep and went to his beloved couch.

 

“You can have the bed, Scully,” he said to her, sitting up straighter against the pillow. “I don’t think it’s wise for you to drive home when you’re so tired because - well, remember that time in -”

 

She was standing right next to his bed now, on his side as he continued to ramble on for the second time that night but he went completely silent in shock when she took the book from his hands, tossed it on his nightstand. She was looking at him, her eyes a dark blue. He felt he could quite literally drown in them and he must’ve said the corny sentence out loud because she was laughing softly and he began to laugh with her, bringing his legs over to face her.

 

Scully had stopped laughing and was looking at him again in a way that made his throat dry. He swallowed and she reached forward with one hand and took his reading glasses off his face, discarding that on the nightstand too. He didn’t know what was happening but he had hopes on where this was going.

 

It had been a couple of weeks since they kissed. Their first kiss being at the start of a new year, and their second when they had stopped at a gas station for directions when she looked adorably frustrated at the map and he couldn’t help but lean over and kiss her pouting lips.

 

She had blushed and went back to mumbling left and rights to him and he had leaned back in his seat, smiling.

 

He had been the only one to initiate more intimate contact and was at first afraid she no longer wanted him in that way until she had blushed in the car at the gas station. They had been hanging out more outside of work when they could and Mulder was pleasantly surprised to notice that she had wanted to spend more time with him as much as he wanted to with her. They had not been able to be together in the way he would have liked, due to his cowardice and fear of losing her in more ways than one.

 

But here she was, looking at him in this way, with hunger and want, it took his breath away. She took his breath away that night.

 

“Mulder.” She whispered too, her face serious again after their brief bout of laughter.

 

“Hmm?” he hummed, not even realizing his hands had traveled to her hips and pulled her closer.

 

Her arms locked around his neck. “I’m going to kiss you now, ok?”

 

Mulder’s laugh was cut short by her lips.

 

He woke up with a sharp gasp, sitting up in his bed quickly.  Mulder had fallen asleep on his couch, again, files and photos scattered in his lap and surrounding him. He rubbed his forehead, feeling a headache coming on at the lack of food in his stomach. When he looked up, he saw Scully in front of him. Looking beautiful, but sad. He had to be dreaming again. He shook his head to clear her image away but she was still there.

 

Her face was pale, as was the rest of her. Almost transparent.

 

“Don’t give up,” the Scully apparition said. And she was gone.

 

Mulder’s phone rang from another room.

 

* * *

 

Eyelashes fluttered against ivory cheeks. She was waking up. _She was waking up!_ Mulder sprouted up from his chair so fast it almost fell over with his urgency. Her eyes shone blue. His favorite color. They were cloudy, confused, but they were open and he couldn’t be more relieved.

 

“Scully,” he said, leaning into her, taking her small hand into both of his.

 

She stared at him blankly.

 

“Oh, let me call a nurse,” he shook his head, quickly angling toward the wall to press a button next to her bed. He faced her again, halfway onto the bed now, completely in her personal space, she noticed.

 

“God, Scully, am I glad you’re awake,” he breathed happily, his hands back to clutching hers and he leaned up to cup her face, rubbing his thumb over her cheek. “I thought I lost you.”

 

Scully looked at him with more confusion, taking in her surroundings and noticing she was in a hospital room. Her head felt heavy, her body sore. Was she in a car accident?

 

“You were abducted, Scully,” Mulder said, sensing her confusion, “do you remember anything?”

 

When she didn’t say anything, he worried she had lost the ability to speak. What the hell had they done to her?

 

“Say something,” he pleaded, needing to hear her voice.

 

Scully took a deep breath, trying to relax her tense muscles. “Who are you?”

 

Mulder could feel his heart drop to his stomach. “What?”

 

“I’m sorry,” Scully said, “but do I know you? You’re clearly not a doctor.”

 

Mulder stared at her in disbelief. _No no no._ “What year are we in?” he found himself whispering.

 

“1989.”

 

Mulder did the math in his head. Eleven years. She had lost _eleven years?_ “You’re joking, right?” he asked her, not smiling, “this is a joke?”

 

The nurse came in and smiled widely as she saw her patient was awake. “Great, you’re awake! Let me call your…” she stopped talking once she realized the expressions in the room. Mulder was visibly shaken, not looking much different from the days he had been sitting in that same chair, waiting. Her patient looked lost and almost angry. “Is everything alright?”

 

Mulder didn’t even turn his head to look at her. He kept his eyes on the woman in the bed, making her incredibly uncomfortable. “She doesn’t remember the past eleven years.”

 

“ _What?”_ Scully sat up straighter, wincing at the movements.

 

Mulder continued to look at her and tried to capture her eyes with his, willing her to remember. If she had lost eleven years that meant she wouldn’t remember him. She wouldn’t remember _them._ She wouldn’t remember all of their hard work, all they’ve seen and all they’ve done. Mulder felt tears come to his eyes for the hundredth time in the past three days as her wild eyes met his finally and he saw….no recognition in them.

 

* * *

 

The doctor made him leave the room due to her discomfort with his presence. Mulder’s heart squeezed in his chest tightly. He had never known her to not be comfortable around him. Their first case she had come to him in practically nothing but a robe and her underwear! And now she didn’t know who he was.

 

Mulder paced back and forth. _How am I going to fix this how am I going to fix this._ How was he going to locate the aliens that had abducted her and fix this? How was she going to get her memory back? She thinks it’s 1989 - she would be at the tail end of med school, he realized. How was he going to tell her what happened in the past eleven years, what her job was now? What happened to her father, her sister? How was he supposed to tell her she couldn’t have children? How was he supposed to tell her she had a child and lost it? Or how she had cancer but it was cured by a chip in her neck from the first time she had been abducted?

 

How was he supposed to tell her everything was his fault?

 

“Agent Mulder,” a voice said and he looked up to see her doctor closing the door to her room behind him.

 

“Doctor, please, tell me it’s temporary,” he begged. “Or a sick joke.”

 

The doctor sighed, glancing briefly over his clipboard. “I’m afraid we can’t specify what type of memory loss she has but it is a memory loss. We suspect post traumatic but considering she has no significant head injuries and we don’t know where she was, there’s no way to tell. We can only hope it’ll come back. Or she’ll have to…” the doctor trailed off but Mulder heard his words in his head. _Start over. She’ll have to start over._

 

Mulder sighed too, running his hands over his tired face. “Is there anything else I should know? How is she physically?”

 

“Physically, she’s fine,” the older doctor assured him and he stroked his salt and pepper beard curiously. “It’s the strangest thing, but her body is healing so quickly, there’s barely a scratch on her. She just says she feels sore.”

 

Mulder swallowed the lump in his throat. He was right. When he had gotten the call Scully was found and in a hospital, she was worse off than she is now. Her face was covered in scars and scratches, which had all seemed to fade away over the days as he sat there by her side.

 

“I should call her mom, she went home to get a shower -” Mulder started but the doctor interrupted.

 

“Ms. Scully already called her mother. I informed her of the date and explained her disappearance the best way I could. She requested that her mother tell her everything.”

 

“Did she ask about me?” Mulder asked hopefully.

 

The doctor saw the desperation in the man’s eyes, heard it in his voice. He knew he hadn’t left his patient’s bedside but once when Scully’s mother forced him to go home and clean up. The man had been staring at her still form, holding her hand in his for three full days since she had been dropped here. He had seen many heart breaks in this hospital and every time it hurt him to see yet another.

 

“No, she has not. I told her you were her partner in the FBI and well, that’s when she requested her mother be here.”

 

Mulder looked down at his shoes, nodding. “Thanks, Doc.”

 

The doctor gave him another sad look and made his way down the hall.

 

He stopped before passing Mulder, remembering.

 

“Oh, and we had the nurses do an ultrasound - the baby is fine.”

 

**End part 1**


	2. part two

**i’m still in love with who i wish you were (part 2/?)** ****  
**Fandom: The X-Files** ****  
**Pairing: Mulder/Scully  
** **Season: post season 7  
** **Title: Wish You Were by Kate Voegele**

all mistakes are mine.

* * *

 

“Fox.” A gentle voice spoke and he sighed, looking into the sorrowful but hopeful eyes of Maggie Scully. She had been in the room with her daughter for almost two hours now. Mulder had waited outside the room, in yet another uncomfortable hospital chair.

 

“Is she ok? Can I go in?”

 

Maggie opened her mouth to speak but Mulder was already up and rushing past her into the room. Looking back into her face, he felt the air leave his lungs. She still didn’t recognize him. God it  _ hurt. _

 

“Scully?”

 

“That’s not my name,” she quickly said, “it’s Dana. I know you call me that because of work but we don’t work together. At least, not that I remember.”

 

Her hands were clutching a blanket her mother had brought her, her knuckles white. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to tell her everything. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to cry. He wanted to touch her, her face, her stomach. Her stomach. She was pregnant and she was pregnant with his child. Did she know it was his?

 

“Dana,” Mulder started, clearing his throat and shaking off his nerves. He moved closer to her on the bed and she shrank back. “I know you don’t know me but...I’m going to find out a way to fix this. I - it’s my fault. I didn’t want you to go to Oregon with me but you were insistent, stubborn. I should’ve been more stubborn and refused to let you go. And now this happened and -” he felt himself start to get emotional and he cleared his throat again, “and I’m  _ going  _ to fix it.”

 

Scully was quiet, studying him intently. Who was this tall, handsome man and why was he looking at her in that way? What were they to each other?  _ I thought we just worked together,  _ she thought,  _ he’s looking at me with so much guilt and something else I can’t decipher. It’s making me uneasy. _

 

“I know you don’t really know what I’m talking about but... We were on a case in Oregon and we were looking for an unidentified craft that had crashed in the woods and when I turned around you were gone. You disappeared.” Mulder’s eyes flashed with the memory, feeling himself go cold. “I’ve never been so frightened in my life, Scully. And we’ve been through so much, you and I. My biggest fear used to be never finding my sister but it became losing you over the years. I know I’m putting a lot on you right now I’m just...I’m so happy you’re alive. And awake. Even if you don’t know who I am anymore.”

 

Scully couldn’t hear anymore. “Please,” she told him, “this is too much right now. My mom told me my dad is dead. And my sister. She told me I had cancer. And she told me I can’t have children.” He watched with his heart clenching as a tear ran down her cheek. “I can’t handle anymore right now. Please.”

 

“I’m sorry,” he nodded, wanting to take her hand but refraining himself from doing so. He stood awkwardly at her bed. He wanted to bring up the baby, the miracle, but kept quiet.

 

Scully stared at her blanket for a long time, her eyebrows furrowed in thought. She looked up at him then. “Where is Daniel?”

 

Mulder looked at her, startled. Then he remembered. She was in 1989. End of med school. He remembered the night she told him about her affair with Daniel. It was also when she was in med school. She hadn’t left him yet. She thought she was still with him. She thought this baby was his.

 

“You haven’t been together in over ten years, Scully.” He said weakly.

 

“It’s  _ Dana _ ,” she corrected, “and how can we not be together? We’re supposed to be together forever.”

 

Mulder’s eyebrows lifted. The old Scully -  _ the old Scully? He thought -  _ she had told him she thought at one point she would spend the rest of her life with this man. He almost scoffed at this Scully’s childish  _ together forever  _ idealistic notions. Luckily she had realized what they were doing was wrong and left before anything could get worse.

 

“That’s not how it played out, unfortunately,” Mulder told her dryly, “after you left him his wife became suspicious he was having an affair and ended up killing herself.”

 

“What?” Scully whispered, horrified, bringing her hand to her mouth.

 

“I didn’t mean for it to sound harsh,” he said, “but there’s no way to say that pleasantly.”

 

“Oh my God. I have to talk to him,” she said, scrambling for the button for her nurse.

 

“Scully, no,” he stopped her with his large hand on hers, “you can’t. You’re not with him anymore. You haven’t seen him in months.”

 

She looked at him with one eyebrow raised curiously. “Months? So I have seen him recently?”

 

Mulder closed his eyes, rubbing his face again. “He had a heart thing months ago and you had checked up on him. But he’s fine now and you told him to move on.”

 

“He still wanted to be with me?” she looked hopeful and Mulder wanted to throw up. This was his nightmare, his hell. He couldn’t argue that after everything he had put her through he probably deserved this.

 

“Yes,” he hesitated, “but you’re not the same person anymore. He’s not either. And his daughter is older now and she - well she hates you.” He tried pushing her away from a man who would be no good for her. A man who only wanted to control her.  _ What, like you’re any better? _

 

Scully listened to him but shook her head, pressing the nurse call button. “I need to talk to him.”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Mulder waited outside her door once again, turning his head every so often to peek through the blinds, watching the back of the man talking to Scully.

 

Maggie Scully walked up to him, a bag of Scully’s things on her shoulder. Her hands were wringing together nervously. Probably afraid for her daughter and afraid of what to say to her. He knew it couldn’t have been easy telling her about her father over again  _ and  _ her sister. Along with everything else.

 

He glanced back again to peek and saw the tall broad back of Daniel Waterston, hovering over Dana. Mulder sighed when he couldn’t see her, wishing he knew what they were talking about. 

 

He was eager to talk to her about the baby. About her. About them, their work.

 

“He’s still in there?” Maggie asked and Mulder kept his eyes focused on the closed blinds, nodding solemnly. 

 

“It’s been a while,” she commented, trying to get Mulder away from their private conversation.

 

“Forty-nine minutes,” Mulder said.

 

When he still wouldn’t look away, Maggie sighed and lowered herself into the chair next to him. “I understand you feel hurt and lost,” she began and he finally did turn to look at the older woman, “I feel the same way. To tell my daughter what she’s lost...it’s hell.” Maggie’s eyes were shining with tears and Mulder noticed she held them back.  _ Just like Scully would. _

 

Mulder sunk further into his chair guiltily. He couldn’t imagine having to tell Scully over again what she’d lost. Especially since it was mostly his fault. He couldn’t think about himself right now. He placed his hand gently on top of Maggie’s. “I’m sorry you had to go through that, Mrs. Scully. I’m sorry this is happening at all. I should’ve made her stay home. It’s all my fa-”

 

“Let’s not place blame anywhere,” Maggie interrupted, putting her other hand on top of his. “Except on the person or people who have done this to her. I know you’ve only ever cared about my daughter.”

 

Mulder kept his mouth shut, as to not burden Maggie with his internal turmoil. He stared in front of him, watching the nurses flutter about from room to room as they checked on patients. 

 

“I know you love her,” he heard Maggie say to him and turned his attention back to her in surprise. Was it that obvious? “And I know she loved you.”

 

_ Loved. _

 

That hurt like a bitch. Mulder must have had a physical reaction to that statement because Maggie pat his hand as if to comfort him but they both knew there were really no words she could say to make this situation better.

 

_ At least she’s not dead or seriously injured? _

 

The door next to Mulder opened and Mulder’s face twisted at the sight of Scully’s much older ex lover closing the door behind him. He could feel Maggie stiffen next to him and could immediately tell she was also not fond of the man. Mulder had never met him except for an hour ago very briefly but he already had unabashed hatred for him from Scully’s earlier words of asking about him and his general jealousy over Scully’s obvious want to see him and probably be with him again since it’s what she knows and she’ll probably want to raise the baby with him too.

 

At this last thought, Mulder shot up from his chair in a mild panic, needing to speak with her. “How did it go?”

 

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” the older man shook his head. “No clue where she came from or what’s happened to her, barely a scratch on her, yet a large chunk of her memories just vanished? It’s…”

 

“She was abducted,” Mulder informed him.

 

“By whom?”

 

Mulder didn’t answer. Instead he stared at the closed door in front of him, bracing himself to face Scully and her unfamiliarity with him. “I’m going to go talk to her.”

 

An arm stopped him from reaching for the door. “I wouldn’t do that,” Daniel warned.

 

Mulder’s arms crossed, his eyes narrowing in frustration. “And why the hell not?” He realized how Scully he sounded and probably looked. That thought didn’t make him smile, or comfort him. It just made him miss her more.

 

“She doesn’t remember you, for one.” Daniel said, not even flinching at Mulder’s sudden defensive stance. “And if you go in there telling her all about the past she’s never known - about all this mumbo jumbo alien abduction crap, she’ll never believe you and she’ll think you’re crazy.”

 

Mulder’s lips formed a straight line. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Oh?” Waterston inquired. “You don’t think I know all about you and what you do? You run the X-Files department and you are a firm believer in the paranormal and of extraterrestrials.”

 

Before Mulder could respond, Maggie cleared her throat, gaining their attention . “I’d like to see my daughter, please.”

 

Daniel moved out of the way of the door and Mulder took the moment to calm himself and clenched his fists tightly. The last thing he needed to do was lose his temper, upset Mrs. Scully more,  _ and  _ get kicked out of the hospital.

 

The older mustached man looked at him with something akin to pity in his eyes. It made Mulder want to wring his neck. This man knew nothing about him or  _ them _ and their work.

 

“I’m only trying to keep her calm,” Daniel told a fuming Mulder, “I think she’s got a lot on her plate right now that she’s trying to digest. You barging in, a stranger, will only confuse and frustrate her more. As a medical doctor myself  _ and  _ someone that cares for Dana very deeply, I insist that you keep your distance. She is fragile right now.”

 

Mulder took deep breaths as to not raise his voice in the hospital. “You’re not her doctor and you have no right to tell me what to do. I’ll see her if I want to and I will be cautious. I know her better than she knows herself right now. And I sure as hell care about her a lot more than you ever have.”

 

Daniel Waterston hesitated only for a moment and Mulder thought he was going to back off. Until - “Ah, but it was me she asked for, wasn’t it?”

 

Mulder could feel the heat in his cheeks from anger. “Only because  _ you _ -” he poked a finger hard into the man’s chest, their faces level, “were the last person she remembers being with. But mark my words - I will go to the ends of this earth to help her and fix this.” Mulder’s glare was sharp, his jaw tense. “I’ve done it before.”

 

Waterston did not take the bait. His voice was still calm, cool as a cucumber. “I understand your frustration, I do. I’ve seen many patients lose their memories - sometimes they gain them back, sometimes they do not. It’s unfortunate altogether and I understand that it hurts to see the woman you love not remember you. But it’s crucial and it’s important that she is not given the pressure to remember things. It must come naturally, if it is to come at all.”

 

“What did you tell her?” Mulder wanted to know, was almost afraid to know.

 

“I apologized for her losses, she was taking it badly, poor girl. She cried to me. I held her hand.” Mulder’s fist clenched again at the man’s words.  _ He  _ should be the one in there, the one she cried to. Even if it was all his fault.

 

The last time she had cried to him was the day she told him the IVF didn’t work. He remembered the feeling of her arms wrapped around his neck, tight, almost choking but he held on to her too, his throat strained with emotions he tried to hold back. He had never really thought about being a father until Scully had asked him for his help. He felt flattered, at first, then felt it was a bad idea and agonized for hours over how to tell her. Then he had a dream of Scully with a bundle of blankets in her arms, her glowing face peering down into the tiny features of their child. She looked so...happy. He wanted that for her. He wanted that happiness for her and for him, too.

 

As he stood there, Scully’s tears leaking on his shoulder, he pulled her back to look into her eyes. She didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want to see the disappointment in his face. But he grasped the back of her neck with his hand, willing her to see him.

 

“We will figure this out,” he breathed, “together. You and me. We’ll - I’ll try again. Try as many times as you want me to.” When she said nothing, he continued, “we’ll adopt! God, you  _ deserve  _ this, Scully. You deserve this more than anyone. I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you.”

 

Scully’s eyes filled again and he pulled her in, his nose in her hair. He hoped she wasn’t crying because he made her upset. Really, Scully was crying at the words  _ we. You and me. We.  _ He was so willing to help her and be in it with her. She knew she was in love with him, just like she knew he loved her. And they both knew it was merely a matter of time before one of them got their act together and made a move. Even still, Scully found comfort in the fact that even if there were no words shared on the status or eventual evolvement of their relationship, she felt secure in it, in him. There was no one else she wanted this with, the adventures, the discoveries. She could only wish and pray that they could have a child together, for a child would bring them so much joy. She yearned so badly to be a mother, to love and care for someone and watch them grow and become their own person. Just as much, she craved to see Mulder love and be loved by his child. He had never really known such love in his own childhood and she knew firsthand just how big his heart was, how caring and kind he could be. He deserved this chance just as much as she and she was devastated she couldn’t give this to him.

 

Scully kissed his jaw, inhaling sharply, trying to blink her tears back. His hand was soothingly rubbing small circles on her back and she turned her head to face away from him, still lying on his shoulder. “I wanted this for us so badly,” she sniffled.

 

“I know,” his whisper came immediately after and she pulled back again to look at him, surprised to find his eyes watery. “Me too.”

 

She brushed his cheeks with her thumbs, even though his face was devoid of tears. She just wanted to be close to him, to crawl into him and let all her sadness and loss melt away.

 

That night, she did.

 

Mulder continued to glare at Daniel Waterston. He was a fairly direct kind of guy himself, but this man really had some nerve saying what he did, as if Dana didn’t have her own choices to make.

 

“I feel like this could be our second chance,” Daniel said, then chuckled to himself, “well, perhaps the third. I did try and convince her to be with me the last time one of us was in the hospital.”

 

Mulder found none of this amusing. In fact, his hands now itched to strangle this man.

 

“You’re not going anywhere near her,” Mulder blurted.

 

Waterston almost smiled and Mulder could feel his blood boiling.  _ Who the hell did this guy think he is?  _ “On the contrary, Dana wants me here. She’s used to me, my presence is comforting to her. It’s important to surround her with comforts of what she remembers.”

 

“Oh, and you’re just so concerned about her wellbeing. You can hardly wait to whisk her away and manipulate her into thinking she’s still in love with you.”

 

Daniel stroked his mustache and Mulder wished with everything in him that this much older man wasn’t so  _ goddamn  _ intimidating. “I let her go, last time,” Daniel said insightfully, “I don’t plan to again.”

 

Mulder felt Scully slipping away from him so quickly, he didn’t know what to grab onto to keep him afloat and give him the strength to fight for her and for them. “You didn’t  _ let her go,  _ she  _ told you _ to let go. Because she had moved on! And she moved on with  _ me. _ ”

 

Then he thought of his unborn child and his entire body filled with a fierce protectiveness he had never known before.

 

“And memories or no memories, you’d have to kill me before I let you near the woman I love and our unborn child.”

 

If Scully weren’t in this kind of predicament, Mulder would almost find Waterston’s reaction amusing. He didn’t, he just wanted the man to leave at this point.

 

“She’s pregnant?” Waterston blinked. And when Mulder nodded, said, “she didn’t tell me…”

 

“Well,” Mulder replied, bitterly, “she’s got a lot on her plate.”

 

Before Mulder could even blink, Daniel was barging into Scully’s room, Mulder following close behind, ready to usher him out the door before he could say anything to her.

 

Scully’s hands were clasped with her mother’s, tears falling down her beautiful pale face and Mulder’s heart clenched in worry. Did they get more bad news?

 

“Is the baby alright?”

 

“You’re having a  _ baby _ ?”

 

Both men said at the same time and suddenly faced the wrath of Maggie Scully’s hard glare as the women turned toward the anxious men, but for completely different reasons. “I’d appreciate it if you’d let my daughter and I have this talk, alone,” Maggie added.

 

Mulder nodded apologetically but said: “please. I need to know...is the baby going to be ok?”

 

He saw guilt flash across Scully’s face as she glanced at him and moved her eyes over to Daniel. Waterston looked horrified at the idea of a child. As if I’d ever let this man near him or her, Mulder inwardly scoffed at the thought. He had the mental image of a little girl with red hair, freckles painting her face, a small, shy smile. Mulder shook his head, feeling himself get choked up. “Is she alright?” he asked again.

 

Dana’s mouth opened and she hesitated nervously, glancing again at Daniel and then into the sad eyes of her mother. “I….I don’t know,” she answered truthfully.  


 

**End of part 2**


	3. part three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for mentions and discussion of abortion.

**One Week Later**

 

With a deep sigh Mulder raised his fist and knocked once, twice, three times on the door, awkwardly shuffling his feet. Would she let him in? Would she tell him to go away and leave her alone?

 

He thought she would be angry. Upset, even. He completely understood why she’d be annoyed with him, he was definitely used to that. Since she got out of the hospital she had asked him for some space, he was always hovering and she hated it.

 

After she had said she wasn’t sure if the baby was alright, Maggie asked in a shaky voice that they leave them to speak privately and Mulder was not going to make the situation worse by causing a scene and demanding an answer from her. Before leaving the room, Scully sensed Mulder’s discomfort and quietly told him: “No one is hurt. Please let me talk to my mom.”

 

And while those words gave him little relief that both Scully and the baby were physically fine, it was the tears in Maggie Scully’s eyes that unnerved him. But he nodded and the two men left the room.

 

He hadn’t seen or heard of Daniel Waterston since that day. Mulder figured it was due to Waterston’s panic after hearing of Scully’s baby. The man probably hadn’t seen a baby in over thirty years, much less raise one. Not that he’d ever have a chance to raise this one, his. He would fight every demon, alien, paranormal entity that he ever came across all over again to keep Waterston from his child, their child. And he would do the same for Scully, would do whatever he could for her to gain her memory back. If there was no chance of that happening, he’d spend the rest of his life getting to know her. He’d try harder to open himself up to her. It took them seven, almost eight years to finally get together romantically and he had hope it wouldn’t take as long this time around but he wasn’t sure yet of how different this Scully was. Or...Dana. All he knew right now was that Daniel Waterston was out of his way and he needed to talk to...Dana….and talk about the baby and how to proceed with everything. Maybe he’d even tell her of some of their adventures and it would trigger a memory. Mulder faintly recalls Waterston saying something about not speaking on things from her past but it was probably just to throw him off. Daniel Waterston was someone from Scully’s past and, he hoped, Mulder would be a part of her future.

 

Mulder would laugh at the Lifetime movie of it all if he hadn’t come face to face with Waterston as he answered the door to Scully’s apartment. The man’s serious expression turned to a satisfied smirk.

 

“Hello Fox Mulder, fancy meeting you here.”

 

Mulder grimaced at the man’s handshake, not at all bothering to play nice. “Why are you here?”

 

The older man shrugged nonchalantly. “I come where I’m needed.”

 

Mulder’s eyes narrowed into slits. “You’re not  _ needed  _ here. You just think you are. What kind of game are you playing, messing with Scully’s memory like this?”

 

Waterston let out a chortle. “I’m much too old to be playing  _ games, _ Fox. I suspect you are, too. Chasing around aliens and hunting for Bigfoot. When you could be working at a real job catching real, live people doing bad in the world.”

 

Mulder didn’t take the bait, just stood up straighter. “I have my reasons for what I do. And I’ve seen things, seen things you can’t even possibly imagine and so has Scully.”

 

“Not anymore,” Waterston clucked his tongue, walking past Mulder and into the hallway, clearly on his way out.

 

Mulder resisted the urge to yell back at the man. Why was he here and why did Scully want him here? He intended to find out but for now there were bigger, more urgent matters at hand. He needed to check on Scully and finally talk to her, really talk to her about what they were going to do, how were they going to raise this child, where she was going to work...There was so much and it was so overwhelming, Mulder never blamed Scully for needing time to herself. He just missed her and worried about her and wondered if she was alright mentally and emotionally. Did she even remember anything from her abduction? Was it similar to the last one? Did she even believe she was abducted or had the person or being wiped that from her memory as well? So many questions that Mulder hoped to ask but had no idea if she would even be up to seeing him today.

 

She was obviously up for seeing Waterston, he thought bitterly.

 

The apartment was quiet save for the cringeworthy sounds of mailing tape screeching as it’s pulled apart coming from the direction of Scully’s bedroom. What the hell was she doing in there, wrapping presents?

 

He walked toward her bedroom and found Scully sitting cross legged on her floor, surrounded by boxes, a permanent marker in her mouth as she taped another one closed.

 

“You moving?” he asked her, crossing his arms, hurt by the fact that she didn’t even bother to mention it to him. This wasn’t his Scully anymore, he reminded himself, this woman didn’t even  _ know  _ him. Although, he felt as if this version of Scully would still have the decency to inform the father of her child that she was moving. Did she even know he was the father?

 

Did  _ he  _ even know if he was the father?

 

What if something happened while she was gone and she was impregnated by something or someone else?

 

The thought made him so sick he felt bile rise in his throat and he quickly tried to push it down and cleared his throat, remembering that she had began to feel sick right before she was taken so the baby had to be his.

 

Right?

 

Scully didn’t even glance at him, only continued to focus on her task. “Mhm,” she hummed over the marker stuck in her mouth, then removed it. “As I’m technically out of a job now and do not remember the training it took for me to join the FBI..” she finished taping another box full of books. “I’ll be moving in with my mother until further notice. Hopefully I can get a job at a local hospital.”

 

Mulder tried not to make this about himself and tried to be supportive. But he couldn’t stand the thought of being further away from her  _ and  _ the baby. Even though it was months and months away, the time would go by so fast and they really needed to start preparing. He knew she would prefer to start now, old Scully or not, she loved to be prepared.

 

“You don’t have to do that,” Mulder said, trying to convey a casual tone, “you can easily get a job around here and - and you can move in with me. Or - we can find a bigger place. You know, for the baby.”

 

Scully looked up at him then and he noticed she looked uneasy at him once again, towering over her, hovering. He lowered himself to his knees, trying to look less...intimidating? Was he intimidating her, making her nervous? Scully was usually the intimidating one. Perhaps she became that way after teaching at Quantico and joining the FBI to fit in with the boy’s club.

 

“I know you don’t remember me,” Mulder said sadly but looked into her eyes, “but I would never let any harm come to you, or the baby. I just want...I just want to be close to you both.”

 

Scully looked away, unable to look into his melting brown eyes any longer. She turned her attention back to the boxes in front of her. “That’s very nice of you but the doctor says I should stay with a family member. It’ll only be temporary anyway. Luckily I’m good at saving money and don’t have to start from scratch.”

 

“I’ll pay for you to keep your apartment until you can catch up!” Mulder offered, having that same feeling of her slipping away from him he’s had before.

 

“It’s not about catching up,” she said, “I would just rather be around my family until I can figure something out, ok?”

 

Mulder bit his lip, nodding. He really didn’t want to push her.

 

He tried to change the subject. “I ran into Waterston, he was on his way out.”

 

Scully was silent, still devoting attention to her packing. He knew this Scully. The one that didn’t want to talk when prompted, the one that would talk when she was ready after she took time to sort through her feelings and thoughts.

 

Finally, she said: “He was just helping me pack a few heavy things in the kitchen.” Mulder hadn’t even noticed boxes on his way in. “He’s helping me move my stuff.”

 

“Why?” Mulder wondered with a small, self conscious smile, “you could’ve asked me, Scully.”

 

Her voice was strained with aggravation, picking up the roll of tape again. “I don’t know you.” Screech. Rip. “And my  _ name  _ is  _ Dana. _ ”

 

“I  _ know  _ that’s your name!” Mulder exclaimed, his annoyance also beginning to flare up. “But we  _ call  _ each other by our last names because we were partners. For seven years. It’s hard for me to just stop.”

 

When Dana said nothing, he continued. “And I under _ stand  _ that you don’t know me. But I’m willing to still help out and I’m willing for you to get to know me again. And for me to get to know you, even.”

 

She did not meet his eyes, but her face did turn pale and she swiftly got up and stumbled to her bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Mulder panicked for a moment and then frowned at the sound of her muffled vomiting.

 

Mulder got off his knees, cringing at his protesting bones and made his way to her bathroom, opening the door to find her kneeling above the toilet, her face buried in her arms. She was shaking and he leaned down to rub her back, hoping it was soothing rather than irritating. She made a groaning sound but did not tell him to stop, so he didn’t.

 

“How long have you been feeling like this, vomiting?” he wanted to know.

 

“This is only the second time,” she mumbled into her arms, “the first time was after I got back from the hospital but that was only because of the shitty food they gave me. At least I think it was.”

 

Mulder found himself smiling at her language. His Scully normally would refrain herself from cursing most of the time but he liked how casually she used expletives. His smile widened at the thought of telling Dana what she’s eaten in the past on their many stakeouts and car trips where there was nothing but old school diners that “probably serve roadkill” she had once said and endless amounts of fast food. “Have you eaten today? I can go get you some soup or crackers or whatever it is pregnant women eat.”

 

“I haven’t eaten today,” she told him, still muffled. “Daniel brought me food but the smell made me nauseous. Which could be why I’m like this now.”

 

“Well, what do you feel like eating? I’ll go get it.”

 

She hesitated and he looked over her shoulder to see one eye peeking at him. He smiled kindly. “A cheeseburger sounds really good right now.”

 

Mulder nodded, patting her back. “Ok, I’ll go get one from your favorite place. And then we can talk?”

 

Dana raised one eyebrow in question. She had a favorite burger place? One they apparently frequented? He looked so hopeful, so eager to please, her heart plummeted again at the sight. “Yes,” she breathed, “yes, we can talk.”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“Scully,” he called to her from his spot at the kitchen table. She acknowledged him with a “hmm?” and opened a drawer. “Have you been avoiding me because you’re afraid of me?”

 

His question was so sudden, out there, almost harsh in the way he said it. He  _ needed _ her to talk, the quiet they’ve been stalled in has been slowly driving him crazy. He watched her eat her burger, taking her time. He didn’t know if it was because she was savoring the flavor or she wanted to delay talking to him as long as possible. It had been a week now and he deserved to have answers, even if she didn’t have any, the least he could do was help her figure things out.

 

Scully stopped her movement, butter knife in hand. She was packing her silverware now. He could see her breathing heavily and his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

 

“Of course I’m not afraid of you, you’ve given me no reason to be.” She reassured but her expression was off putting. She looked conflicted, her eyebrows drawn together, her tongue darting out to lick her lips. That was most definitely a Scully move.

 

He nodded even though she still wouldn’t look at him. When he didn’t immediately say something back to reassure her that everything would be fine, she went back to arranging her silverware.

 

He finally responded. “I was researching the risks of pregnant women being abducted and came up with pretty much nothing. Guess that doesn’t happen too often,” he joked weakly. ”And then I ended up reading on all the things that could go wrong for the baby and almost threw my computer out the window. Of course, as a doctor, I’m sure you’re aware of those things.” When he didn’t get a response from her, he continued, his voice gentle. “It’s ok if you’re scared. I’m scared, too.”

 

She still said nothing and his annoyance at the silence began to turn to impatience. He tried coaxing her now. “And not even risks for the baby, but risks for you.”

 

“I know all the risks,” she finally said and he heard the  _ I’m a doctor  _ follow behind it.

 

She put her handful of spoons down and walked over to him. He could tell she was annoyed at him now, maybe even angry with the way her eyes glowed but he did not back down.

 

“Talk to me, Dana,” he said, “let me in.”

 

She was next to him now, her belly showing no signs of a baby yet. She was small and thin, he figured it probably took a few more weeks until she would start to show.

 

She sat in the chair next to him. He watched her face for a long moment, seeing her thoughts play across her face as she debated what to say. She took his hands in her small ones and he tried to brace himself for what she would say after so much silence.

 

“Fox…” she started, “I’m not sure if I should do this. If we should.”

 

“What are you talking about?” he asked, too surprised by this to even correct her on the use of his first name. “We’re obviously not together anymore but I’ll - I still want to be in this baby’s life. I still want to be the dad. We - you asked me to.” He paused, not sure if he should bring this up but went on, “before all this. You asked me to be a donor and - and I said yes and then we went our separate ways after I - well, after I left the next morning but on my way home you called and you asked if I would be the dad. I took it as you meaning to raise our child with you.” He wanted to ask if that’s what she had meant but she clearly didn’t have a clue of this time in her life. Her face was impartial, almost blank. She held no previous feelings for him. Or - by the looks and sounds of it - their child. “Come on Dana,” he tried cajoling her with his dry humor, “you may not remember but you took care of me many times, even shot me once. If you can handle me, you can absolutely handle a kid.”

 

She did not laugh, she did not smile.

 

Her lips formed a straight line and he knew that meant she was holding a retort back.

 

Please,” he urged her, nudging her hand with his thumb. “Talk to me.”

 

She took her hands away from his abruptly, almost hurting his feelings but he swallowed and tried to prepare himself for her words, her worries.

 

“I don’t want a baby at this time in my life. I don’t even know who I  _ am,  _ I only remember who I  _ was _ . And who I was isn’t ready for a baby. Who I was was focused on work.”

 

Mulder hung his head in frustration. He understood what she meant, it was all too much but his hands clenched into fists at the thought of  _ his  _ Scully not wanting this, how overjoyed she would be at this.

 

He tried taking her hands in his again, reassuring her by looking into her eyes. “I’ll be here for the baby, I’ll help you.”

 

She said nothing though and he felt the small worry in his stomach grow. Scully always had words to say back. The fact that she was not responding told him that she was still sticking with what she wanted and he suddenly began to feel desperate.

 

“If you’re worried about financial reasons, I can take care of that. And we’ll get a nanny! For after the baby is born.”

 

But she was shaking her head. “I don’t want this burden on you.”

 

_ Burden?  _ She felt like this baby would be a burden to her? To him? Mulder noticed himself beginning to feel protective over this child, this being they created and he knew she had wanted  _ so  _ badly. He then realized he was also not only being protective of  _ their _ child but of the Scully he _ knew _ .  

 

“Dana, it’ll be ok.” Her eyes met his again and he was surprised to find they were still dry. 

 

They were cold. “I’m not the Scully you knew, Fox. I’m not at a time in my life that  _ I  _ remember where I want a child. I’m not ready. And yes I am aware that I’m not getting any younger.”

 

He bristled at her words, feeling anger swell up in his chest. Why was she being so  _ goddamn  _ difficult? Why couldn’t she want this as much as he did?

 

Mulder’s next words were biting, harsh, sarcastic in its tone. “So what - are you going to go get an  _ abortion _ ?”

 

Scully looked down at her lap, almost ashamed. “I don’t know,” she whispered.

 

Mulder let go of her hands then, complete disbelief filling his features and he let his arms drop to his sides. Then he suddenly remembered her in the hospital, her lack of words when it came to telling him about the baby, Maggie Scully’s crying face.“You’re serious about this,” he said, feeling defeated, “you’re really considering it.”

 

When she said nothing, he scrambled out of his chair, startling her as he forcefully shoved the chair back under the table. He was seriously pissed now and she looked up at his shaking form, her eyes wide.

 

“Fox -”

 

“Un _ fucking _ believable,” he hissed. 

 

“Fox,” she tried again, “I didn’t say I was going to do that. It’s just an...option.”

 

“As opposed to what other option, if you don’t want it, Scully?” his voice was getting louder and she felt herself get smaller at the sound. “As opposed to you giving up the baby?”

 

That stung. She had struggled with this decision, agonized over it even. It was not something she took lightly, it was something that was on her mind constantly, the weight of it wearing her out and she would sleep for hours and hours. His words hurt her. His words stung so much she felt tears immediately come to her eyes. But they were no match for the swift arrival of  _ her  _ anger. She stood up from the table then, her eyes flaming, her height coming up to just below his shoulder but she felt her indignation made up for their uneven stance.

 

“It’s  _ my  _ body and I’ll do with it what I damn well please.”

 

And she turned on her socked feet to open her door and lead him out.

 

But he wouldn’t let it go just yet.

 

“And what about me,” he brought up himself, his own heartbreak over the situation. “What about how  _ I  _ feel? Don’t I get a say in this?”

 

Dana turned to him and sighed tiredly. She did not like to argue and she hated confrontation, especially about such a difficult subject. She had enough of a hard time thinking on it herself  _ and  _ talking about it with her mother, who was also heartbroken over this situation. She ran a hand down her face. “I haven’t even gotten to think much about it yet, ok? I haven’t made up my mind.”

 

Mulder’s voice was lower now, softer. “Then let’s think about it together. Please.”

 

He held his hand out to her in a peace offering and for comfort and she almost took it, needing comfort and feeling the pull of his deep brown eyes. But she didn’t. She needed space.

 

“I want to be alone right now,” she whispered, matching his tone, and feeling her stomach drop with guilt as he lowered his hand, at a loss for words.

 

Mulder wrapped his arms around himself. He was starting to feel like this was a lost cause. She was right, it was her body and she didn’t know him anymore. He was going to lose her. He was going to lose his child. And even worse, Scully was going to lose her child. He couldn’t let that happen.

 

“Please,” he begged again, “you don’t understand. The Scully I knew before...this happened - she wanted this. She wanted this so badly. The first time the IVF failed for us, she cried. I’ve never seen her as devastated as she was that night and we’ve been through some pretty emotionally jarring things. Please. If you ever get your memory back, you’ll be crushed if you go through with this.”

 

“You’re talking about the Scully you knew as if I’m not  _ right here _ ! I  _ am  _ Scully _!  _ She  _ is  _ me!” Dana exclaimed angrily, “I’m so  _ tired  _ of hearing of the person I used to be. I’m not her anymore, ok? I can’t be her for you! I can only be who I remember I am.”

 

Mulder pinched his fingers in between his eyes, feeling defeated but not wanting to back down. “Dana, I promised you I would help get your memory back. I will do everything in my power to make sure you get it back, so you don’t have to feel this way, this torn. I don’t want you to feel this way, I just want you to  _ please  _ listen to me when I say don’t give up on this baby. You may feel like you don’t want it now but I  _ swear  _ you will one day and you’ll regret it so much if you...abort it.”

 

Dana’s eyes were glittering with fury and pain. He had no idea how torn up about this she was. She felt so lost in her own body, lost in this world and apparently the only one who ever caused her troubles like this came from this man before her. “And who are you to tell me what’s best for me? I’m stuck in this situation  _ because  _ of you. Everything bad that’s ever happened to past me is  _ because of you. _ ”

 

He felt his world crumbling down around him. She was blaming him for everything. It was his biggest fear to lose her. He had always anticipated her leaving him, finally directing her finger toward him and blaming him for all that went wrong. He already blamed himself for everything that went wrong. If only it weren’t for his quest for the truth and his need to have answers, she wouldn’t have lost the people she lost. She wouldn’t have been abducted the first time. She wouldn’t have ever had cancer. She wouldn’t have been stung by that  _ stupid fucking bee. _ She wouldn’t have had a child that was born only to suffer. She wouldn’t have been  _ shot  _ she wouldn’t have….

 

For years he felt it would only be a matter of time before she would realize what she had lost was his doing. If she never met him, was never assigned to him, none of this would’ve happened. But then he thinks of how his life was changed since meeting her, thinks of how different life was without her in it now. Empty, meaningless. He wouldn’t have his work if it weren’t for her, would probably be back in violent crimes, which he hated. He wouldn’t have her to banter with on conspiracy theories or wouldn’t have her to call late late at night or early in the morning when they had to run off to the next unusual case or simply because he couldn’t sleep and he’d talk and talk and she’d listen, amused and cranky over the phone as she mumbled responses sleepily into the receiver until he fell asleep. He realized his dependency on her early on in their partnership, after she had more than gained his trust and she began to become dependent on him. He liked it that way though, liked that they could rely on each other no matter what, sometimes even without communication, though often their actual communication skills were terrible. After the first few nights they had been together, it wasn’t so bad. They were beginning to open up more to each other, they were happier, and hadn’t felt that way for a long time. Then they lost each other yet again. How did they get here? How did they overcome so much together, finally  _ be _ together (for so short a time) only for it to all fall apart again? Mulder felt his outrage radiate outward and his hands began shaking at the thought of whomever did this to her, to them, to their unborn child.

 

“You’re my best friend,” Mulder whispered suddenly and Dana wanted to claw at his puppy eyes. “We never talked about really personal things for a long time, hardly ever our feelings, but that didn’t matter because you’ve always been my best friend.”

 

This information did not soften her. She was really getting tired of hearing about her past self. She wanted to move forward with her life. She really  _ wasn’t  _ getting any younger and with this man around, would be dragged down down down until she felt she was drowning in forgotten memories of the person she once was. She looked at the begging man before her and felt bad for him. He was losing someone close to him, someone she couldn’t give him. 

 

_ He’s losing more than that and you know it, _ she thought.

 

Scully sighed at this situation, uncrossing her arms. “Look, I’m sorry things happened the way they did. And I know that she...I...meant a lot to you. And I’m sorry you lost her. Me.” She shook her head. “But I have to move on with my life. I can’t spend the rest of it dwelling on who everyone is used to me being. I have to get a job, go to work, be the person I  _ can  _ remember. And that person was not some - some alien hunter.”

 

Mulder wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to punch a wall, kick at something, break something, shake her shoulders to make her see him, make her see reason. She couldn’t do this, couldn’t walk away. Why couldn’t she just give him a chance. She wanted to leave him. She didn’t even want to try and get to know him again. He felt like his heart was shattering and falling to the floor at his feet.  _ She doesn’t want me in her life anymore. _

 

“So that’s it then?” he asked with a bitter tone, throwing his arms up in disappointment. “You’re just going to give up? On me? On yourself? What if your memory comes back?”

 

Dana’s voice was small. “Daniel says the odds of that are unlikely.”

 

Mulder was speechless only for a moment. Then, his eyes went wide, his mouth dropped open and his body was still, rigid. His voice was like ice, cold, cutting. “Did Daniel tell you to have the abortion?”

Dana was so taken aback by that it took a minute for her to respond, but Mulder interrupted before she could. “I’ll kill him, Dana, I swear I’ll rip him apart with my bare hands!”

 

“No, he had nothing to do with that!” Dana shouted, “he was just here to help me! Not put pressure on me like you’re doing!”

 

“Oh, he was here to help, was he? He has a strange way of showing it,” Mulder argued, “trying to convince you that there’s no chance you’ll remember anything, trying to help you ‘move on with your life’ and forget about the one person that’s been the constant in your life for seven years so he can have you all to himself!” Mulder was yelling again and he had never yelled at her like this before but he hated that he was losing her this way, to this man. “But oh, he can’t have you with a child, he’s too fucking old to handle that just like he was too preoccupied with you last time to pay attention to his kid! Yeah, great idea, go back to him!”

 

“You’re an asshole,” she said, her voice scratchy from screaming. She would not cry in front of him. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I told Daniel I didn’t want to ‘start over’ with him. I told him I wanted to move on with my life, just as I’m telling you and he helped me pack a few things. He handled this a hell of a lot better than you are. He listened to me and understood where I was coming from.”

 

“ _ I  _ understand, Dana. Believe me, I do. And it sure as hell  _ is  _ my business because that’s  _ my  _ baby in there too!” He felt immense relief over her telling Daniel she did not, in fact, want him again. But she was still adamant on where she stood, with him, with the baby. She was not going to change her mind and he could not force her to. He knew this. He felt the defeat crush him like a ton of bricks toppling over his head, his shoulders and he sank down to her couch, sitting with his head in his hands in disbelief.

 

He felt a small hand hesitantly touch his shoulder. Then a raspy whisper. “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want.” A pause. “It just doesn’t feel right to me. My mind and life right now are nowhere near ready for a child. It wouldn’t be fair.”

 

He wanted to say  _ no,  _ this  _ isn’t fair, none of this is fair, everything bad is happening _ and he could do nothing to stop it. He was quiet, almost calm if it weren’t for his tensed up shoulders and weary body.

 

“I think you should go,” her raspy voice said and what remained of his heart broke into a million pieces.

 

Mulder watched her open her door and made his way out, feeling helpless. What the hell was he going to do? He feared he was going to lose this baby, perhaps the only thing left tying them together and if he lost that he would inevitably lose her. She wanted him to go. She wanted him to let her go. She did not want him or his baby in her life. 

 

Mulder left the apartment.


	4. part four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait...writer's block is my enemy. Also keep in mind that I actually hate time jumps and fully admit to being a hypocrite since here I am, with a time jump. Sigh.

**4 Months Later**

 

“It’s open,” Mulder called out to the door.

 

“You’re an FBI agent that’s had intruders in this apartment before and you leave it unlocked?” The rough voice of his boss says, making his way into Mulder’s living room where he was on the couch.

 

Mulder was laying back, almost looking relaxed if it weren’t for the bags under his eyes. “If they really wanted to get in, no lock would keep them out.”

 

“Good point.” Skinner stood awkwardly with his hands in his pockets.

 

“Have a seat,” Mulder offered, barely looking up at him.

 

Skinner sighed as he sank down onto the other side of the couch. Mulder now had his arm draped over his eyes as if trying to pretend like he wasn’t there.

 

“I can still see you, you know.”

 

Mulder removed his arm and looked at the man. “Is there a specific reason you’re here, sir?”

 

“I’m here to talk to you about work.”

 

“No shit.”

 

Skinner grimaced at his tone, not used to his agent’s sarcasm being without a hint of humor.

 

He continued. “I wanted to tell you that...the X-Files cannot go on any longer if you don’t have a partner-”

 

“I don’t want a partner.”

 

“I knew you’d say that,” Skinner said, “so I told Deputy Director Kersh that you would either quit or do paperwork and we both know you won’t go back to that.”

 

Mulder was quiet for a moment, thinking. Then, “I won’t give up the X-Files. There’s too much to be uncovered there and I still have to find a way to bring Scully’s memory back.”

 

“It’s been months,” Skinner told him, “the more time passes, the least likely she’ll get it back, you know that.”

 

Mulder was shaking his head before Skinner could even finish speaking. “Anything can happen, anything is possible. I’ll be finding a way for her to get it back until we’re both too old to even walk anymore, I don’t give a damn. I’m not giving up.”

 

Skinner did not want to deliver such a low blow but he knew once Mulder set his mind to something, hardly anything could stop him. “When is the last time you even talked to her?”

 

Mulder’s jaw tightened, his voice strained. “Three months ago. She stopped answering my phone calls and Maggie has asked me to give her time.”

 

“And? She hasn’t tried to get in touch with you since?”

 

“She’s had a lot on her mind.”

 

Mulder looked away then, inwardly cursing himself for tearing up as thoughts of his child came to his mind. Some days he forced himself not to think about it but most days he did and he wallowed in self pity and seethed in his anger from time to time at Dana for doing this to him.

 

“Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be,” Skinner said gruffly, shifting uncomfortably at the topic of his two agents being involved in a romantic relationship.

 

Mulder’s eyes were brimmed with red, holding back tears he couldn’t let fall anymore. He was tired all the time. He was lucky to get two hours of sleep these days, always worrying about how to get Scully to remember him. He would tell himself over and over again that it was too late and there’s no way to figure it out, it would happen if it was supposed to happen. But the knowledge that this was done to her on  _ purpose _ and was no accident fueled his fire and kept him going. He would think of all the times she stood by him, even at his most ridiculous moments. “There is no one else for me but Scully,” he told Skinner, his voice firm but he felt anything but put together.

 

Mulder looked so helpless and Skinner felt for the man. His shoulders were hunched over with defeat, his eyes wide and glassy his face unshaven. Skinner patted his back, making the younger man look up at him. “Then you fight,” Skinner said, “you have to fight.”

 

There was probably almost no chance she’d get her memory back, this Mulder knew. But he wouldn’t give up on Scully in terms of being her friend and maybe at some point, her partner again. Maybe not in every sense of the word but he’ll take what he can get as long as she was in his life. Mulder without Scully just didn’t make any sense. She was his opposite and until she joined him in the FBI he never knew he needed and craved that balance and stability. Mulder didn’t change his pitiful expression. “It took us seven years to get the courage to be together. We let so much hold us back. How am I supposed to start all over again?”

 

“You can and you will,” Skinner told him, “you’re one of the most passionate people I know when it comes to what you want, what you believe. You can’t give up now.”

 

His words made Mulder think of a time when Scully told him his passion was so intense it was blinding. It felt good to have at least one person still on his side.

 

“But,” Mulder argued, “it’s like she’s a completely different person. She doesn’t remember the person she becomes that I fell in love with. After med school, after Quantico, after...everything we’ve been through.”

 

Skinner nodded in understanding. “If you really love her, you’ll be able to overcome all of that. Accept her any way she is. She can’t be that much different.”

 

Mulder sighed, placing his arm over his eyes again, looking and feeling hopeless. Even if he could fall in love with this Scully - who’s to say she’ll want  _ him? _

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

He’s sleeping when his phone starts buzzing next to his hip. Wiping the drool off his chin, he picks it up, rubbing his tired eyes. “Hello?” he answers groggily.

 

“It’s me,” he hears a small voice say.

 

He freezes all movement, his heart thudding in his chest. “Scully?”

 

“Dana,” the voice corrects and he couldn’t help but let out a disappointed sigh, hoping she had gotten her memory back and was calling to tell him she’s sorry, that she loves him and wants to try for a baby again.

 

At least she was calling at all.

 

“Hey,” he said, trying to speak in a neutral tone, “how are you?”

 

The answer was hesitant, shy. “Good. You?”

 

“I’ve been better.”

 

They said nothing then and Mulder hated awkward silences so he just got right to it. “Why are you calling?”

 

“I just...wanted to check on you.”

 

“Check on  _ me?”  _ His voice became bitter. He never noticed how much anger he held inside until he heard her words, heard the pity in her voice. “You didn’t seem to care how I was when you aborted our baby.”

 

“Fox…”

 

“It’s Mulder. And you never  _ checked  _ with me on how I felt about the child. I love -” his voice suddenly got choked up and he stood up swiftly, swiping angrily at his tears with the back of his hand. “ _ Loved  _ that baby. And you just ripped it away from us.”

 

“Mulder!” She shouted into the phone and he was taken aback by the force of her voice, having almost gotten used to the timid way Dana speaks, as if afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings. Now she sounded like the Scully he knew, her tone stronger, gaining his attention. He stopped to listen, feeling ashamed at yelling at her once again and yet feeling as if he had every right. He was torn about it.

 

“I...I didn’t go through with it. Mulder. I - couldn’t.”

 

It felt like he got the wind knocked out of him. Mulder lowered back down to the couch. “You what?” he whispered.

 

“I’m pregnant,” she confirmed. “That’s also why I was calling.”

 

“Four months later?” Mulder found his voice.

 

“I know,” Dana said, “I’m sorry. I should’ve called sooner. I was afraid you’d -”

 

“Afraid I’d what?” he prompted when she paused.

 

“I was afraid you’d never forgive me. That you wouldn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

 

“You barely know me.” He was whispering again.

 

She sighed. “I know that I’ve made you feel like shit since I - you know. But I needed some time to myself and I’ve had it and honestly...you’re the only one besides my family that know me. And I realized that again besides my mom, you and this baby are kind of all I have.” She sighed again. “So I don’t want to push you away anymore.”

 

He was silent, not believing what he was hearing. She was still pregnant and she still wanted him in her life. He felt like collapsing on the floor and praying to whatever would listen.

 

“Fox? I mean, Mulder? Are you still there?”

 

“Yeah,” he answered. “And I’m really relieved to hear you say that.”

 

“Well I’m relieved you feel that way.”

 

He smiled.

 

“So - where are you? Can I come see you? Have you been going to appointments? When is your next one so I can come?”

 

“Fox, slow down.”  She interrupted. “We have time to talk. I want to take this slow, please. I realize that I - that we were clearly something before this happened but -”

 

“I understand,” he told her, “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable with me. And I certainly don’t want to make you feel that way. But you have no idea how much this means to me - this - you - and the baby.” He was stuttering and he normally always could find words but at this moment he was so happy he could barely speak clearly without stumbling over his words. “When can we talk?” He finally just asked in a rush.

 

“We’re talking right now,” she chuckled, smiling for the first time in weeks at his obvious enthusiasm.

 

“I mean in person.”

 

“Oh, well, we do have a lot to talk about,” she thought aloud, grateful he wasn’t angry with her for ignoring him for months and withholding incredibly important information regarding his child. Although they weren’t face to face yet and she intended to apologize to him again for her distance. “Maybe this weekend or something -”

 

“What about tomorrow night?” He asked, eager to see her, to see the baby bump that’s probably formed by now. She probably was glowing and he was missing it more with every second that passed. “Please? After work?”

 

She heard the desperation in his tone and marveled at how much he really cared for her - or for Scully anyway. And their unborn child. He must have loved Scully so much, she thought to herself. Or me - so much. Sometimes when she couldn’t sleep she would think about how different she was compared to the woman she used to be. Was she braver? Was she more confident in her looks and abilities? More certain in her decisions, more adventurous in her work? Who was the Scully she used to be that made this man on the phone fall so deeply in love with her that he would forgive almost anything just to see her again, even if she didn’t remember him any longer?

 

“Alright, Mulder,” she agreed, “I’ll come over there tomorrow night around seven?”

 

Mulder almost argued to make it sooner but figured she would already be overwhelmed enough so he nodded. “Sounds good.”

 

“Ok,” she smiled on the other end, “I’ll see you then. Goodbye Fox.”

 

“Bye. Oh and Scully? Uh, Dana?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Thank you.”

 

She could hear the gratitude in his voice and felt at ease with this man. She treated him so unfairly since she woke up in the hospital and he had given her the time and space she needed and for that she owed him this talk and many more apologies for her hostility. 

 

“Goodnight Mulder.”

 

“Night.”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“Hi.”

 

Dana whispered, sounded shy and he marveled at the small bump that still held their child.

 

“Hi, come on in.” He smiled gently to hopefully make her feel at ease and she smiled back, still shy.

 

He gestured for her to have a seat on his couch, a couch that was so familiar to Scully and so foreign to her now, it made his heart ache in his chest. He really missed her. And he was glad to have her back in his life, no matter the circumstances.

 

“How are you doing?”

 

“I’m alright. How are you? How was work?” She asked him, getting the small talk out of the way.

 

He was shaking his head, “work is work, it’s not important. How is the baby?”

 

Dana’s eyebrows went up at his words. From what her mother told her about Mulder, he loved his work. It  _ is  _ his most important thing. He’s worked for years searching for his sister, she knew this. “Although,” her mom had told her when she kept asking questions about her former FBI partner after a long discussion about why she decided to join the FBI and not become a doctor. “Even though I only ever saw Fox in work mode, I always, always knew there was one thing more important to him than work.”

 

“What was that?” she had asked her mother.

 

Maggie smiled at her daughter looking so young curled up next to her on the couch. She caressed her hair lightly. “You, sweetheart.”

 

“The baby is fine,” she reassured him, her hands clasped together under her bump as she leaned back against the couch to get more comfortable.

 

“And what about morning sickness?” He asked, remembering the last time he saw her and she had gotten sick. His stomach twisted at the memory of him yelling at her, of her reluctant face, of the smug face of Daniel Waterston. He hoped the man was no longer around. By the panicked face he made when it came to the B word, Mulder figured the man probably ran as far as he could.

 

“It’s a little bit more controlled now, thankfully,” she answered.

 

He nodded, happy she wasn’t feeling so sick anymore. His eyes were glued to her stomach, the joy hitting him all over again that he was still able to be a father and he grinned wide. “May I?” he asked, his hand hovering over her swollen belly and she nodded, watching his face as his hand slowly settled over her stomach.

 

She inhaled sharply and he quickly pulled his hand away. “I’m sorry! Did I hurt you?”

 

Dana almost laughed at the question. “No, your hand is freezing.”

 

“Oh.” Mulder smiled sheepishly, “should I get gloves?”

 

This time she did laugh and pulled his hand back to her stomach.

 

“Has she started moving yet?”

 

“He.” Dana corrected casually, watching his hand rub her stomach in circles. “Not much movement yet, but he’ll start kicking the crap out of me soon, I’m sure.”

 

“He?” Mulder almost started to cry, barely absorbing any of her words after she corrected him on the gender. He just assumed it was a girl. A perfect little girl with red ringlets and freckles scattering across her face with wide blue eyes. “We’re going to have a boy?”

 

“Yes,” Dana said stiffly, not registering the emotion on Mulder’s face. She hadn’t cried or felt much when the doctor told her. She still hadn’t felt ready for a baby but she knew in her heart she could not just give it up or take it away. Seeing Mulder’s ecstatic face at this gender reveal (although she suspected he would’ve been happy either way) made her almost feel lonely. It was the strangest thing. She felt left out. It felt like he was celebrating this news not with her, but with Scully. She wished she could be who she was again so she could feel the same joy, and feel as if she belonged somewhere. She felt so out of place. What was she doing here? Why couldn’t she just  _ remember _ ?

 

Dana squeezed her eyes shut tight, as if forcing herself to gain her memory back and Mulder finally noticed her face scrunched up and he took his hand away again, this time landing his palm on her cheek. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

 

She almost gasped at the feeling of his now warm hand on her skin, opening her eyes to his concerned face. “Yes,” she breathed, “I’m fine.”

 

“Maybe you should go home and get some rest,” he said and the worry in his eyes made her blush at his sudden attention. Is this how she would feel when he would look at Scully? How confusing!

 

“Maybe I should,” she agreed, feeling the need to get away from his gaze. Before he got off the couch to lead her to the door, she stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Hey.”

 

He looked at her again and she exhaled a breath she didn’t even know she was holding in. “I wanted to apologize again,” she said, “for my behavior. I didn’t intend to hurt you the way I did. You have to understand how lost I felt - and still feel. I feel like I’m not myself. And I feel the pressures of everyone wanting me to be who I was and that’s hard because I don’t know who that was.” Her brows furrowed, “she must have been pretty extraordinary to have you care so deeply.”

 

The back of Mulder’s throat felt dry and he swallowed, taking in her words. What a complicated and sad situation they found themselves in. “She was -  _ is _ ,” he corrected, tired of talking about Scully as if she weren’t alive anymore when there she was, alive and breathing right in front of him. “We weren’t together a long time, but we’ve been partners for years.”

 

Dana nodded sadly, understanding and once again having the urge to squeeze her eyes shut.

 

“We still are partners,” Mulder leaned in close to Dana and she almost pushed his broad shoulders back at him invading her personal space but his eyes held her still. “I’ve still got your back.”

 

“That’s nice but I won’t be able to shoot any perpetrators if you were ever in trouble,” she joked lightly, trying to ease the unusual tension and create some distance between them by shifting slightly back. 

 

He noticed her minor discomfort and he backed away, keeping his distance. “You’ve already apologized, no need to do it again,” he says kindly. “As long as you and the baby are ok, I’m ok. And really grateful I can be in his life. And yours,” he added.

 

“Well,” Dana said softly, pushing her hair behind her ear, “thank you for sticking with me even when I treated you terribly.”

 

Mulder’s breath almost got caught in his throat at the sight of her then, remembering a time when Scully was over and they were on the couch arguing about what movie to watch next when she pushed her hair behind her ear and he leaned toward her to kiss her neck, below her jaw, feeling her blush spread down her neck.

 

“I should go,” Dana’s calm voice broke him out of his thoughts, though she noticed the clouded look in his eyes and she stood up. “We’ll talk again soon.”

 

“When is your next appointment?” Mulder stood up with her, “I want to be there.”

 

“Not until next Thursday,” she told him, “but it’s at one, you’ll probably be at work.”

 

“I’ll get off early, I can work it out,” he guaranteed.

 

“Ok,” she shuffled toward the door, him right behind her. “You want to pick me up?”

 

He smiled behind her as she opened the door to leave. “Absolutely.”

 

She turned to face him. “Great. Good talk.”

 

“Yes. Good talk.”

 

She stood there a moment and he waited for her to say something. “Do you want me to drive you home, Dana?”

 

“Hmm?” She was distracted by her thoughts, then realized he asked her a question .”Oh! No, no, I can drive.”

 

“Of course,” he smiled politely and Dana bit her lip, hesitating.

 

Then, she stood on her toes and kissed his cheek casually, as if it was something she did often. Maybe she did, once upon a time. Mulder’s heart fluttered at the contact. He  _ really  _ missed her.

 

“Thank you,” Dana said, “I’ll see you Thursday.”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

When Mulder got home from dropping Scully off, he collapsed onto his couch with a grin. He had gotten to hear the baby’s heartbeat and to keep a small, grainy image of a sonogram that he requested after awkwardly explaining his absence at previous appointments, even though he didn’t need to and the doctor never asked.

 

Dana had sat there, wincing when the cool gel hit her stomach and listening to Mulder fumble over his words to the doctor, who was amused.

 

“You’re here now,”  Danahad told him with a small pat on his hand and more apologies in her eyes.

 

Mulder had taken her to lunch afterwards and chattered away about the baby, about shopping for clothes and a toys and books and a crib and all his talking almost made her dizzy, she could hardly give any input. She didn’t have much to say anyway, as she still hadn’t felt a close connection with this baby growing inside her. All she felt was tired all the time and more often than she was used to, she would wake up from sleep or naps very sore and achy and it made her grumpy, which was not pleasant to be around, she imagined.

 

“Did you know the baby can make facial expressions now?” Mulder asked her at lunch, scattering the many thoughts consuming her mind.

 

Dana nodded, feeling his enthusiasm buzzing off him from across the table where he had his head buried in a pamphlet the nurse had given him.

 

“Of course you know that, you’re a doctor, you know everything,” he answered his own question and brought the pamphlet slightly down to grin at her. While his energy was exhausting her, his infectious smile made her heart skip a beat. At least Scully can pick a good looking father, she thought to herself then immediately rolled her eyes inwardly at referring herself once again as a completely separate person.

 

Mulder dropped Scully - Dana - off at her mother’s and asked politely but eagerly if they could do baby shopping that coming weekend and she agreed but told him her mother would want to go which he wholeheartedly encouraged.

 

Now it was almost midnight, Mulder had been staring at his baby’s sonogram photo for a while then he forced himself off the couch to tidy up his apartment a bit. It took him much longer than he realized but he guessed falling into a deep depression because the love of your life forgot about your existence and no longer wished to carry your child could make a place messy. But he was feeling much more chipper now, downright giddy as he proudly displayed the sonogram photo on his fridge. He had never quite envisioned himself being a father but the more he thought about all he could teach his son, the person he could watch his son grow into...he loved the idea more and more and thankfully it was becoming his reality. He’d never be more grateful to Dana for changing her mind about the baby and he knew that Scully would absolutely never forgive herself if she had gotten her memory back and had the knowledge that she let go of her child in that way. It would’ve destroyed her. Feeling his thoughts go into dark territory, he swiped his mind of them and put his bowl of cereal in the sink, stretching up and feeling his tense muscles relax after being stiff for a few hours.

 

Scratching his stomach, he tiredly made his way to his bedroom to fall into a hopefully good night’s sleep when there was a knock at his door. Who the hell was at his door at almost half past midnight?

 

He stumbled toward the door, opening it to see a small and equally exhausted Scully with the faint hint of bags under her eyes, clad in her pajamas with a fluffy pink robe over her. Her eyes were wide awake, full of terror and he immediately ushered her in.

 

“S - Dana, what happened? Is it the baby?”

 

“No,” she whispered, crossing her arms across her chest even though he knew it wasn’t cold because he kept it warm in his apartment at night. She looked spooked. He resisted the urge to hug her.

 

“No, I...I think I remember something.” His heart almost stopped in his chest at her words. He waited with bated breath. Her eyebrows furrowed with confusion as she tried to recall the memory. “Or at least, I dreamt something odd. Something I didn’t understand.” She looked up at him then, into his eyes and he gave her a patient nod to go on. “I was hoping you would be up to - to help me make sense of it.”

 

Mulder nodded again, leading her to his couch to let her sit. He smiled softly when he saw her matching pink slippers to go along with her robe. He was surprised he never noticed those when they were on a case somewhere else. Her face, although worried, was radiant. Her skin was brilliant and flushed, her eyes the lightest blue. She was adorable in her fluffy pink robe and slippers.

 

“I didn’t wake you, did I? I’m sorry. I didn’t want to worry my mom with this sort of thing - so I snuck out.”

 

He found himself smirking. “You snuck  _ out? _ Scully - Dana, you’re a grown woman, not a teenager.”

 

She shrugged. “I don’t like for people to worry about me. I left her a note.”

 

Mulder found comfort in the fact that Scully had always been this way. She never liked for people to worry over her. Usually it was herself that did the worrying. But he felt honored she had come here to him for help. Or clarification.

 

“What was this dream about?”

 

“I don’t know where I was,” she started “but I’m in a bright white room and I can hear men’s voices but I can’t see anything. Just white.”

 

Mulder listened thoughtfully for a moment and she watched his face. “It could probably be that you’re remembering your abduction from six years ago. From what I remember you telling me.”

 

Dana was told about that when she was in the hospital so it did not come as a surprise to her. “Do you think she’s -” she paused, sighing, “ _ I’m _ coming back? That I’m remembering my life?”

 

“I don’t know,” Mulder answered honestly and she nearly flinched at the obvious longing in his eyes. She wished she could give him what he wanted so badly. “Can you remember anything else from the dream?

 

“Yes,” Dana said, “there was something placed on my head. I don’t know what it was, a pressure. It hurt a lot.” The pain she remembers brings tears to her eyes.

 

He was surprised at her words. Scully had never mentioned anything about having a pressure on her head. Perhaps this was a memory of her second abduction? Mulder rubbed his eyes, not believing the words “second abduction.” He hated himself for constantly putting her in dangerous situations, even though he knew Scully had accepted the costs long ago.

 

He looked up from his hands when he felt Dana put her small hand on his shoulder, tried to give her a reassuring smile. “Do you want some water?” he asked.

 

She nodded and when he returned from his kitchen, sat next to her again. “I don’t know what that dream exactly implies but...I’m going to take a shot in the dark and say that when you were taken again, maybe that’s what you’re remembering? Some strange men’s voices, a pressure on your head?”

 

Her voice was small. “It freaked me out. I wasn’t able to make out the words any of the voices were saying, that’s all I remember.”

 

Dana looked genuinely freaked out by it and he thought of their first case together, in Oregon, as they argued in a hallway, how freaked Scully was over Billy Miles being able to commit a crime.

 

“Could’ve just been a weird dream,” he lied to make her feel at ease and he knew if she were the Scully he knew, she would not tolerate that for a second. “I mean,” he found himself quickly retracting his previous words, “it could be something. But I think you should get some sleep before we try and analyze this. Maybe you’ll have another dream and hear something to help us figure it out.”

 

Dana shuddered at the thought of dreaming about a bunch of strange men surrounding her and not knowing what they were doing with her, with her body or mind. “I’m not going to be able to sleep,” she was shaking her head.

 

“You can stay here if you’d like,” Mulder offered almost too quickly, “you shouldn’t drive all the way home again. Take the bed, I’ll sleep here.”

 

Dana hesitated. “Won’t you be uncomfortable?”

 

He smiled slightly at her question but felt the familiar pang in his chest that this woman really didn’t know him. “I’ll be fine, I promise.”

 

“Okay,” Dana said, still unsure. “Can we stay up a little while longer?” All she could think about on the drive to Mulder’s apartment was what the dream could mean, why she only heard men’s voices and why she could feel pressure on and in her head. What the hell had happened to her?

 

“Yeah. Of course.” Mulder told her. “What do you want to talk about?”

 

“Anything.” Dana yawned and Mulder tried not to smile. “Tell me how we met.”

 

Mulder smiled earnestly now, taking time to take a sip of his own water. “Well, Dana.” His voice dropped an octave. “Do you believe in the existence of extraterrestrials?”

 

She arched her eyebrow. “Logically, I would have to say no.”

 

Mulder smile faltered at her words, feeling Scully calling out to him but it  _ wasn’t  _ and  _ was  _ her. He was so conflicted.

 

“We didn’t meet chasing around little green men, did we?” Dana asked, tickled by the mental image of her and Mulder running around a field after aliens with giant butterfly nets.

 

“No,” Mulder answered, amused, “you were sent to spy on me and debunk my work.”

 

She was more awake now, intrigued by how they met. “I guess I didn’t do a very good job,” she laughed, “aren’t you still working in the x-files department?”

 

Mulder nodded but thought  _ not for long,  _ as he no longer had her as his partner and refused to have anyone else. He wouldn’t tell her that though. “There were many things we both saw that were both unexplainable and undeniable.”

 

Dana could see the sadness in his eyes and she knew he was thinking about all that she had lost, in her family, her health, her own memory probably…

 

“Jokes on me,” Dana gestured to her bump, “I’m having your baby.”

 

They laughed and Dana was pleased to see his anguish melt away, if only for a moment.

 

Mulder put his glass down on the coffee table, facing her. 

 

Her cheeks were rosy, almost as red as her hair, her smile sparkling, enchanting him.

 

He found himself smiling too. “I’ve missed that smile.”

 

Dana looked into his eyes and they were twinkling with the same look she had grown accustomed to ever since she woke up in the hospital. He looked at her with a rawness and vulnerability she had never seen before. She realized he was looking at Scully that way and not her but his charming smile and their closeness had her captivated. She found herself leaning into him and kissing him. Her eyelashes touched his cheeks, her small hand on his shoulder as she pressed herself against him, eyes closed at the feel of his soft lips against hers.

 

Mulder’s eyes were open in surprise, his hands hovering in midair, unsure of what is happening. This was  _ Scully _ and she had initiated a kiss with _ him.  _ She had spent so much of her time coping with her new life and pushing him away, he wasn’t sure what changed. When she pushed against him harder, he sighed inwardly, thinking again, this was _ Scully. _

 

The woman he had loved for years. Whether or not she remembered everything. It was still Scully.

 

Mulder placed his hands on her hips, kissing her back. She pulled away and smiled at him, kissed him again. “Is that ok?” she asked timidly.

 

Mulder pulled her back to him.

 

When they both pulled away several minutes later, Mulder rested his forehead against hers, both breathing heavily. Scully bit her lip and ran her hand down his jawline.

 

“Fox,” she whispered and Mulder shivered at her warm breath on his face.

 

“Mmm?”

 

She was pondering what to say and it made him pull back from her curiously.

 

She took a deep breath. “I know you -” she paused, contemplating her words. “I know you want...her, but I am her and she is me and...well, I just want you to know it’s ok that you look at me that way.”

 

Mulder was confused. “What way?”

 

“Like you’re still missing something. Someone. Like you’re still grieving.”

 

Mulder bowed his head, as if ashamed. He didn’t know he was doing that and now he felt terrible. “I’m sorry for that,” he said sincerely, “I don’t know any other way to look at you.”

 

“That’s why I said it’s ok.” She touched his cheek reassuringly. “Really.”

 

She couldn’t explain why she felt herself falling so quickly for someone she didn’t know at all, but who knew her so well. His eyes were hypnotizing, his face so appealing and open to her. It was almost intoxicating and she felt moved by his feelings for her.

 

Dana leaned her forehead against his chin, feeling his arms come around her. She could feel his nose in her hair, hear him breathe her in and sigh with relief and contentment. She closed her eyes, knowing she was falling asleep and fast.

 

Mulder’s mind was racing. It felt so right to hold her again, her bump against his stomach. Even if Scully never gained her memory back - at least he still had her. And their baby. And honestly? It was all he needed. He knew of her slight reluctance to celebrate anything baby related but felt that the excitement would come in time. He’s alright with that even though it bruised his heart to think about how absolutely over the moon Scully would be. But he couldn’t think about that now.

 

He nudged the sleepy head on his shoulder with his nose. When she stirred slightly, he whispered: “do you want me to carry you to bed?”

 

Dana’s eyes fluttered open and she pulled away from him, off the couch, standing up and placing one hand on her belly and extending the other to him with a timid smile.

 

He took it and led her to his bedroom.

 

**End of part 4**


End file.
